And the sex of the baby is.....

still unknown. The baby wouldn't cooperate at the ultrasound today :( It kept it's legs crossed the whole time even after much prodding and shaking. After the OB gave up trying to see the baby's parts, she focused again on it's face. Would you believe that the baby opened it's mouth and smiled as if mocking us? Well, it did. Little turd. I wonder if this is any sign of things to come once the baby is born? Anyways, we will have another ultrasound in a couple weeks to try again and hopefully the little one will be a bit more cooperative then.

My friend Tammy...

is wonderful. For someone that works so hard for the bit of money she has, she is quick to spend it on the people that are near and dear to her, most recently the baby. Tonight we had our Christmas gift exchange and she went above and beyond with gifts. I was given a gorgeous platter that goes along with other pieces she has been collecting for me, 2 Christmas ornaments (she gives me one each year), cookies, and a wonderful, soft, gigantic stuffed frog. The frog is for cuddling when I don't feel well. However, the big surprise was her generosity when it came to the baby. It was as if she was all 3 wise men wrapped into 1 bearing gifts (not that my baby is Jesus). She brought the most adorable knit baby frog beanie, an extremely classic frog stuffed animal, and last but not least, a giant plush elephant baby rocker complete with sound effects. It is ADORABLE. I have never seen a rocker I have loved so much. I remember having a rocking horse when I was younger and I got so much enjoyment out of it. I'm so glad the baby will have one too. I'm so glad I have someone as thoughtful and pure in soul as her in my life.

The baby let me know it was the best Hannukah ever!

We had a huge 8th night of Hannukah with my in-laws. The evening was filled with gifts and fun, but especially noteworthy was a special reaction to one of the gifts received tonight. Brian and I were given a bag to open together. When we did, we found the cutest little frog security blanket and an adorable rabbit baby hanger inside. I got all teary about the gifts and when I finally dried my eyes and put the baby items down the baby let me know that the gifts were loved by giving me 2 little kicks. I couldn't believe it! It felt like somebody was tapping me from the inside. I shook and prodded my belly the rest of the evening hoping for some more kicking action, but there wasn't anymore. I don't care though because it was so awesome to feel it for the first time. I can't wait for it to become a regular event. I love our baby!

Steak dinner cures constipation

I have been backed-up for about three weeks. I go poo and nothing comes out or when it does it's the equivalent of rabbit pellets. Last night Brian's parents invited us out to a delicious steak dinner at Mortons. I had an amazing filet mignon with a side of garlic green beans and a side of baked potato. I topped it off with raspberries for dessert. I think the shock of red meat in my system knocked everything loose because today I had terrible gas followed by three trips to the bathroom in a row. Each trip was accompanied by giant poops. I felt AMAZING afterwards. I have been looking forward to this day for weeks. It's like I've been given an early Christmas gift.

Random tidbits

* I slept 12 hours last night and still feel exhausted.

* I'm not sure if our scale is broken, but it says I lost another lb. Granted I had just woken up when I weighed but I need to be putting ON a lb. a week not losing one!

* The movers have been packing up my in-laws' old house that we are buying from them. For the first time I'm seeing how huge the house really is and I'm thrilled we will have so much space for our growing family.

* This is my third day in a row waking up with a headache. I wish it would just go away.

* I finally found where one of my maternity pants went. I have been looking for them since we got back from Mexico. They were still in the suitcase : (

That's about it for random tidbits.

Yes, a parent can ruin painting.

Today I was painting with a friend at Petroglyph and I noticed a women behind me with her two kids. I'd say they were both around 10. I smiled because they were both excited to get started on their painting, and since I'm a weird child-obsessed pregnant person, I stared at them. A. Lot. Anyways, they were painting different things for their dad as gifts and the mother was totally hovering over them. "Now, make sure you stay in the lines. Here, let me do that part for you. Oh, you made a mistake so we'll have to ask the people how to fix it." Etc, etc. She was jumping at each brush stroke they made. At one point I looked over and she was holding the boys hand as he was painting the piece. Another time I turned around and the mother was painting while the boy was sitting back in his chair and looking around. The poor kids looked miserable. I have never seen painting look so unfun (I don't care that that isn't even a word).

When I was little my dad made me make my own mistakes and learn from them. But seriously? Painting? Who corrects a kid's painting? Or even an adult's painting? It's painting!!!!! I know I can be a control freak sometimes, but I vow to myself that I will not be a parent who takes over my kid's arts and crafts. I want my toddler to be covered in paint and smiling from ear to ear. I want my kid to enjoy coloring without the confines of staying in the lines. I won't freak out if my kid decides to glue his or her hands together, although I hope it doesn't happen more than once. It's all part of learning and it's all supposed to be fun. That mother was a fun kill. I won't be.

I don't even know what to title this.

I had one loooooong dream last night about the baby. I'm still trying to put all the pieces together, but I'll leave out some of the unnecessary details. It was a really frantic and scary dream.

Angelina Jolie wanted to steal my baby. For some reason Angelina, Jennifer Aniston and myself were all vying for Brad Pitt who was actually Brian. He was still my husband in the dream and my baby's father only he looked like Brad Pitt (Who I actually do not find all that attractive). I didn't mind that Jennifer Aniston wanted him because she is nice and we were on good terms, but Angelina was trying to either steal or kill my baby who I was pregnant with. We ended up getting into a huge physical altercation in which she was using some household items as nunchucks and was trying beat me so I would lose the baby because she knew she couldn't have it. I ripped out a TV antenna from the back of an old tv and stabbed her though the throat and killed her. The antenna went straight through and was sticking out the front and back of her neck. She died with her eyes open.

I woke up in some square room with glass walls and a bunch of people I didn't know. The room was like a plane and we were in the air and going to crash land. People were shouting and tumbling in all directions. When I woke up from the crash my baby, who is now an infant, was gone. I was searching for him everywhere. A lot of time had passed and I finally found him in an huge underground room. It was dark and had kind of an orangish glow and steam was coming from the ceilings as if it were an old industrial underground place. There were two rows of chairs that faced each other and and went from one end of the room to the other. The chair rows were so long that the ones on the other side of the room disappeared into a mud wall horizon. Think of it like looking down a tunnel that ends in a speck because it is so long. The chairs looked like old electrocution chairs with rusted metal seats and leather straps. I was walking down the rows and saw my son who had actually turned into a girl and was now about 12 years old. I ran up to hug her, but there were people stopping me from reaching out to her. I started screaming for her and these people in dirty brown smock jackets were placing her in a chair and strapping her in. She wasn't fighting it. She looked right at me with her icy blue eyes as I struggled to do everything I could to get to her. They turned on the chair and she turned into a hard wax statue. The people restraining me let go of me so I could go to her, but when I was almost close enough to touch her waxed figure, the people in the smocks smashed her into a million pieces. I knelt on the floor trying to frantically pick up all the pieces. I was screaming and crying and tears were pouring down my cheeks, and I knew that there was no way to put her back together at that point. It was the last time I was ever going to see her.

In the last part on my dream I was at an elementary school located on a beach and literally in the sand. I was elementary school aged again. I was sitting by myself on a bench utterly broken and depressed that I had witnessed the murder of my child. George Kordopatis came up to me with a brown lunch bag and said something to me, but I didn't even hear him. I was off in my own world. Brian, my husband who now looked like Brian instead of Brad Pitt, sat down across from me and looked at me with an expression of complete loss and powerlessness. His eyes were glossy and red from crying. I could tell he wanted to comfort me but didn't know what to do. He didn't even know how to comfort himself. I got up and walked away and made my way towards the ocean. Camila passed me as she was running back up to the school. Her steps were uncoordinated and sand was flying up behind her. I found a pair of black flip flops abandoned in the sand. They were mens flip flops and about 5 sizes too large for me. I put them on and with a small running start I skidded out into the water. The waves weren't crashing. The water was calm, almost like a lake. I was able to surf the water with my flip flops. I just kept gliding across the top of the water without sinking. Even if I stopped for a moment, I wouldn't sink. I remember feeling a little bit comforted and at peace. It was an empty lonely peace, but for the first time I didn't feel like my heart was getting ripped out of my chest.

And that was the end. I woke up feeling disoriented. I'm still feeling a little off. The emotional intensity of the dream was exhausting. And what's weird is that I am feeling the feelings of loss when my brother died, but it's different. It's like I'm remembering how it was for me as a kid and a sister, but in my dream I was able to feel so much more from the perspective of a mother. I can't really even describe the feeling of....I don't know what the word is....loss isn't strong enough. I don't think there is a single word to describe it. It's more like your heart is completely missing and your entire body is filled with a dark void and everything is numb but aching at the same time. Everything around you keeps going, but you don't really notice it. You see movement of people, but it doesn't mean anything. And it's so quiet. It's agony really. I guess that's the word. But not agony from pain. It's more like and agony from being so empty.

I have never loved anything so much in my life. I guess that's where all the emotion came from. I now love something on a level I have never experienced before and it has opened up a whole new realm of emotional intensity that is really overwhelming. I guess I had to dream it first before I could feel it consciously or I wouldn't be able to handle it. Today feels a lot different than yesterday.

Preparing to clean or cleaning to prepare?

I decided that I need to make a cleaning schedule. I get stuff done around the house but I always wait until it is to the point of borderline unacceptable. For example "Wow, I should really get laundry done because the heap of dirty clothes is twice as high as the basket" or "hmm, there sure are a lot of fist sized cat hair tumbleweeds rolling around on the floor". I tend to do better with lists so I figure if I make a list of specific chores to do on certain days I will accomplish a lot more and each task won't seem like a monumental challenge. More importantly, I need to get a handle on this before the baby comes because if I don't do everything without a baby, how will I do it with a baby? So.....I made the weekly chart of chores. Overall I'm pleased, but then it occurred to me what if when the baby comes my schedule is worthless? I'll be on a baby schedule. Do I simply modify the chart? Do I say screw charts, there is no cleaning schedule when a baby is in the picture? Will some chores get thrown out the window as new ones are introduced? Am I over thinking this? Probably. But not really because cleanliness is extremely important with an infant especially when they start crawling around. I don't need my baby hacking up hairballs too. Also, I don't want my kid to grow up in a dysfunctional mess. But is there such thing as an acceptable functional mess? GAH!!

I think I'll just stick to my chart for now. If nothing else, I'll have a clean house for the next 6 months.

It looks like a baby!

We had our Nuchal Transluceny ultrasound today and everything looks great. Our risk for Downs and Trisomy 18 are extremely low. The baby was sleepy during the ultrasound and wouldn't move around too much, but it did roll over onto its side once. Today we were able to see the nose and ears of the baby as well as its little beating heart (still 152bpm). Both arms and legs were visible. At one point it opened its mouth. Here are a couple of pics.

This one is my favorite though. Both of the baby's hands were up and positioned so that it looks like it has a hook. It's our little Captain Hook baby.

Three more weeks and we will *probably* be able to find out if the little Hookster is a boy or a girl! I can hardly wait. The appointment is scheduled for December 23, 2009. Finding out will be the best Christmas gift ever.